Conflicted Conversation
by Cucumber
Summary: The conversation I wish we could have seen in the S7 ep "Never Leave Me" where Buffy is more willing to return Spike's love.


CONFLICTED CONVERSATION  
  
Note: the following is an alternative to the conversation(s) that Spike and Buffy had in the episode "Never Leave Me."  
  
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT  
  
Spike is chained to the wall. He's lying unconscious. Buffy comes in with a rag and a bowl of water and she cleans off the blood from Spike's face. At one point she lingers, her fingers lightly touching Spike's cheek, but she snaps herself out of it and finishes the job impersonally. Spike opens his eyes and sees Buffy. A range of emotions flit across his face: desire, pain, frustration, sadness, love, and finally, resignation.  
  
SPIKE  
You should be staking me, not playing nursemaid to me.  
  
Buffy gets up and walks across the room. She watches him sit up but she doesn't say anything.  
  
SPIKE  
(attempting bravado)  
Cat got your tongue, pet?  
  
BUFFY  
Sorry if I'm not in the mood for a heart to heart talk.  
  
Spike smiles sadly in understanding.  
  
SPIKE  
If I talk, will you listen?  
  
Buffy nods.  
  
SPIKE  
Right, then.  
(pause)  
Yeah, I was on a bus once and there were a couple of girls sitting in front of me. Religious girls, talking about atoning for their sins. At the time I didn't make anything of what they were saying—and why should I have? I was a vampire. No chip, no soul, not even the tiniest sense that what I was doing was wrong. I didn't have anything to atone for. But now, this one thing's been stickin' in my head. One girl said: "You have to know what you're atoning for, but you shouldn't dwell too long on what you did because you might remember the pleasure you got from sinning and maybe you won't regret it as much anymore."   
(pause)  
I thought of that because it's all different now, innit? I can look back over my life and regret every moment of existance. Maybe that's part of why you should kill me: not just for your sake, but mine too. Every second hurts like smoldering coals.  
(pause)  
Unless of course that's part of why you're keeping me alive: because you're enjoying watching me suffer.  
  
BUFFY  
(in a low tone)  
Spike, no . . .  
  
SPIKE  
It's all right, pet, I know I deserve it. Until I remembered what that girl said, thinking about my life brought me nothing but pain. But then one day I came up with a reason to be happy. There's a small part of me that is glad that I became a vampire because if I hadn't, I'd never had met you. On top of that, I'm glad that I'm not dead because it means I still have a shot with you. the fact that you haven't staked me yet means something.  
  
BUFFY  
Don't bet on it, buster.  
  
SPIKE  
(ignoring Buffy)  
Can you imagine how awful it would have been if I had lived and died as the Victorian Englishman William? Having made no mark on the world? Never having known true love? When Willow brought you back, I was so glad to be able to be there for you, to listen to you, to make you feel better in a small way. I loved you and maybe I was takin' advantage of you, but all I wanted to do was make the pain go away. You were using me for just that purpose. When we were together, you could forget. And I think at least a small part of you loves me for it.  
(small voice)  
At least, that's what I have to believe.  
(normal)  
These last few months weren't about love, I know. You gave me your body, but not your soul. And while I loved you, I didn't even have a soul to give.  
(pause)  
I need this torment to end somehow. Either you tell me that you love me or you stake me.  
  
BUFFY  
(crossing her arms)  
And what if I do neither?  
  
SPIKE  
Fence-sitting doesn't become a Slayer. Why wouldn't you stake me if you don't love me?  
  
BUFFY  
Maybe I think of you as a friend. I love my friends, too.  
  
SPIKE  
Don't delude yourself. We were never friends.  
(pause)  
Well, no matter. The bright California sun rises every morning around six. Maybe I'll check it out one day.  
  
BUFFY  
What if I told you that I needed you. As a friend, the same way that I need Xander and Anya and Willow. But I need each of them in a different way. You're unique, Spike—you can't just be replaced like a broken press-on nail.  
  
SPIKE  
(pause)  
It's a start, I suppose.  
(pause)  
You wouldn't, maybe, be willing to let me hold your hand for a minute.  
  
BUFFY  
I don't think that's such a good idea.  
  
SPIKE  
Please. It would help me prove to you that I've changed.  
  
BUFFY  
I already know it.  
  
SPIKE  
Then what are you afraid of?  
  
BUFFY  
I'm not afraid, I just don't want to encourage anything.  
  
SPIKE  
All right. I guess there's no sense in pushing, is there?  
  
BUFFY  
No.  
  
She says it matter-of-factly but as she watches Spike curl up against the wall she really understands how much he's changed, that he's learned how to back off, how to take no for an answer. Her expression softens. Maybe it wouldn't be too terrible to let him hold her hand for a minute.   
  
Buffy walks over to Spike and squats down next to him. She takes his hand and holds it. He doesn't say anything but there is unconditional love in his eyes. Buffy softens even more and reaches up to wipe away the smudge of dirt on his cheek from where he leaned against the wall. Spike stays totally still as she cups his face.  
  
BUFFY  
Spike . . .  
  
SPIKE  
Don't say anything, please.  
  
BUFFY  
Maybe I do love you.  
  
SPIKE  
(recoiling)  
Don't say that unless you mean it. It would be less painful if you just punched me or something.  
(pause)  
In fact, yeah, that's a good idea. Punch me. Get all of that anger out of your system. Then maybe you'll mean it.  
  
Buffy releases Spike's hand and cheek. She moves back slightly and he makes no move toward her.  
  
BUFFY  
I've already hit you today a couple of times. Kicked you, too. Didn't do anything for me.  
  
SPIKE  
That wasn't personal. This time do it for yourself.  
  
Buffy imagines in her head what it would be like to beat Spike to a pulp for what he did to her. She briefly enjoys the idea then shakes it away.  
  
BUFFY  
That's ok.  
  
SPIKE  
(shrugging)  
It was just a thought.  
  
BUFFY  
(standing up)  
I'll be right back. I'm going to check on Xander and Anya.  
  
SPIKE  
I'll be . . . here.  
  
BUFFY  
Right.  
  
She looks down at Spike. She smiles then throws a roundhouse kick at his head. She watches him flinch but not duck out of the way. She stops her foot about an inch from his nose then puts it down. She's still smiling. Slowly a sly grin comes over Spike's face.  
  
SPIKE  
Was that good for you, pet?  
  
BUFFY  
You know what? It actually was.  
  
Just then the robed guys burst through the windows and Buffy runs upstairs to save everyone. When she gets back, Spike is gone.  
  
BUFFY  
(to the absent Spike)  
You promised you'd be here and I believed you. If I find out that you lied to me, forget wishing you'd never become a vampire—you're going to wish you'd never been born.  
(small voice)  
But I hope you didn't lie. I want to keep believing in you.  
  
  
THE END  
18  
  
  
4 


End file.
